DOES ENABLING OTHERS SEPARATE US FROM THOSE WE ARE ENABLING?

So what is wrong with enabling others? What is enabling others? In my experience with my patients, enabling seems to be when someone takes on responsibility for others and this then makes it easier for [enables] them to avoid being responsible for themselves. The contexts for what is considered enabling is important as I have seen that very frequently it looks and feels like enabling is the right thing to do. If we don't enable, something very bad could and it seems likely would happen. An example is making excuses for your spouse not taking their responsibility financially for fear that they will blow up and reject you. A frequently mentioned example involves some form of helping someone continue their addictive behaviors by giving them money or buying them alcohol or making excuses for their behaviors. Enablng is also considered positive if it is actually helping someone to complete a task that they actually needed help with.  I prefer to label this behavior as supportive and not call it positive enabling. My patients have difficulty [as do I] understanding what enabling is and asking them to understand positive and negative enabling may lead to confusion. Plus, I see enabling as only negative.  

So, back to the question I raised in the title of this blog, if we enable others does this inevitably lead to our actually being more distant from them?  Many of my patients tell me that when they need help after helping others for years, the people they have helped end up getting very angry. This is confusing to my patients, as they feel like they are not asking for much.  When we discuss these situations it becomes clear that the people they have been helping, can only see their own needs and not anyone elses. Then my patients were able to see that they had set this up by doing things for others instead of encouraging them to do it for themselves.