WHY IS IT SO HARD TO SAY "NO"?

I have previously blogged about the importance of not feeling responsible for others and not taking responsibility for others as this inevitably leads to stress and anxiety.  Why does it? Well, it is actually not possible to be responsible for others as they are separate human beings.  I know, as a parent or even as an innocent bystander, you can feel responsible for the welfare of children.  Yet even then, is it really being responsible for them or is it offering more literal support until they can do more for themselves while still encouraging them to make decisions for themselves so they can actually choose to go along with your support? Plus, it is likely that anyone you are taking responsibility for [or even just feeling responsible for] will at some point be resentful as you will not do a good job being responsible for them [how could you really] and it will start to feel to them like you do not have faith in their ability to take responsibility for themselves.

So why do we take on responsibility for others? Well, for the people who come to me for help, it is to prevent things from getting worse or simply to keep bad things from happening. These seem like good reasons. However, even if in the past [often years ago] things would get worse, that was not true now, but it seems like it is still true.  This seeming like there is still a risk that things will get worse is partly due to the fact that your past memories of things getting worsse tell you that the risk is real and the person that you are taking responsiblity for are acting like they will not do well if you stop acting responsbile for them.  So, what is one to do?

One can choose to recognize that they really don't have to worry about things getting worse as that is a thing of the past that does not apply any more.  They can also recognize that the person they feel or act responsible for can manage on their own, even if they don't act like it.  Hopefully, they will also recognize that they must not think they can wait for that person to start acting like they can manage.  This is not likely to happen.  

Well, this is where the idea that "no" is a term of endearment comes in as actually saying no and not taking on responsibility for others is an indication that you care about that person and believe that they can manage on their own.  Therefore, no becomes a term of endearment.. This does seem harsh though.  So my pateints have helpled me to come up with modifications of this.  These include: "I love you and I think you can manage."  It should be noted that it is worded think you can manage because even if you know they are capable of managing you do not know if they will choose to manage.  Other modifications of no include "I love parts of you and I think you can manage." Also, [Click] which is the sound of you hanging up the phone instead of repeating over and over that you are going to hang up.  So, click is a sound of endearment. Get it? Of course, you will have to keep saying no to help increae the likelihood that the persons you are believing in will start believing in themselves. It is definitely worth it. Seeing the strength in others when they are doubting themselves is a gift to them...so keep giving it. If you can let go of your feeling or acting responsible for others you will feel a lot less stressed.