MANAGING STRESS IN OUR LIVES

Entries in committment (1)

Monday
Sep172012

RETURN POLICY

In talking with a number of my younger patients who are living with their girlfriend or boyfriend, I noticed that there was a reluctance to talk to their significant other about their commitment to the relationship and about marriage.  These young people seemed to be waiting for the right time to bring it up and were not sure that he or she was the one to live with for the rest of their lives.  They were hesitating even though it was clear that they were in love and respected and valued each other.  In exploring this with them, I was reminded of research showing the high percentage of people who live together that become depressed.  I was also reminded of the time in the past when there was an abundance of newborn babies up for adoption and to encourage adoption the agencies gave the parents a 6 month return policy.  Yes, they could return the babies within 6 months, no questions asked.  The agencies anticipated that certainly no one would return a baby.  They were wrong.  Many did.  So why did they? One factor seemed to be that the expectation was established that the parents might want to or need to return a baby.  As anyone who has been a parent knows, babies are wonderful and very frustrating. So, having a bad day with your baby can lead you to use your return policy.  Hard to believe?  Well, living with someone can also become like a conditional experience as you decide if they are worthy of a lifetime commitment.  Of course, just as babies can be very frustrating at times, so can our significant others [and so can we be very frustrating to our significant others].  Should that be enough to call off the whole thing?  Of course not.  However, if we and our significant others are not able to look at ourselves and become aware of our own doubts and insecurities then we might be tempted.  Human relationships are too important [precious] to treat like something that is returnable.  Believing in ourselves can help us to trust our feelings and recognize when we have made a commitment to another and let that person know.  

I wonder if uncertainty about relationships and a lack of a recognized and spoken commitment to each other is one reason that marriages have become so dominated by rituals that distract from the opportunity to share the joy of their relationship with their friends and relatives.  These rituals will not act as glue for the relationship.  So, if you are openly commited to your significant other you may end up with a simpler [and less expensive] wedding! Since I have two daughters, I am hoping that this is true.