MANAGING STRESS IN OUR LIVES

Entries in forgive (1)

Sunday
Sep172017

DO WE NEED TO FORGIVE PEOPLE WHO ABUSE US? 

I've had several patients tell me that they couldn't forgive people who had abused them but they were no longer troubled by thinking about them. Then a few other patients told me that they were finally able to forgive their abusers and felt more at peace about it now.  So, do we need to forgive those who abuse us to be able to not be troubled by these events anymore?  What is forgiving? Some definitions focus on it being deciding to stop feeling anger towards someone and others mention a willingness to allow room for error or weakness. Others use words like:merciful, lenient, compassionate, magnanimous, humane, softhearted, forebearing, tolerant, indulgent, etc. as ways to decribe someone who is forgiving. Now lenient, softhearted, tolerant and indulgent don't sound so good.  It makes it seem that forgiviing someone is being too kind and is letting them get away with it. What are they or have they gotten away with? They know that they have violated you and you know that you were violated.. They have to live with this and if you forgive them then maybe you won't have to live with it anymore. You will be able to shed the weight of this memory and let go of any lingering feeling of responsibility. 

So, it seems that we forgive to help ourselves be released from the anger and hurt that really is our problem and won't be resolved until we can stop reacting to something that is in the past.