LISTENING...REALLY LISTENING

Over the past several weeks the topic of listening has come up in my work.  Often, the importance of listening or being listened to is not recognized.  Frequently, people are upset because they don't know what to do to help people who are distressed.  They want to do something to help these people who are suffering, but they don't know what they can do.  This inevitably leads to a reflection on what is missing for these people who are distressed and experiencing a crisis. From their own experiences [and from my own] we wonder if feeling alone and isolated and disconnected is what people in crisis are experiencing.  So, that might mean that they are missing feeling the support and encouragement of another person, the feeling of being cared about.  This then led to recognizing that "just" listening might be helpful, even without  "dong anything" except listening.  As we discussed listening and how that can be experienced as being with the person that you are listening to, the importance of listening became clearer.  We then concluded that just listening can be and likely is a powerful way of being with someone in their time of need.  I then thought about the importance of listening without adding our two cents as this can interfere with the support that we are trying to provide the other person.  So, to actually listen and not give advice, etc. is important and one practice that can help us to do this is called "active listening."

You can check the internet regarding active listening. My understanding of this is that we focus our attention on the person who we are listening to.  We then repeat what we have heard to be sure that we have been listening and understanding what is being said.  We can ask a question clarifying what had been said but are not to add comments, advice, side-comments, moans or groans, or distracting behaviors like rolling our eyes or body postures that are in effect the same as making comments.  When the other person is finished.  You might ask if there is anything else they would like to share.  Then you might thank them for sharing with you and then look for another topic or share something yourself that might be stimulated by what  you have heard but is not a commentary on what you have heard.  This can be more difficult than you think.  

Actually listening to someone, and not commenting or correcting or giving advice, is a powerful way to support and encourage others....even if we mistakenly feel like we aren't doing anything.  Try it!