COMBATING LONELINESS

I listened to a Podcast from "OnBeing" guided by Krista Tippet as she interviewed Vivek Murthy who is the Surgeon General of the United States. The focus of the podcast was on how to "Be A Healer." It was very moving as Dr. Murthy's compassion and love for others came through as he discussed healing others which involves supporting them to become "whole." To be healers, we first need to observe and experience life and receive the joy that is all around us. This also requires that we not allow ourselves to be distracted by all the messages that promote money, winning, taking sides and the "us against them" mentality, as a way of defining who we are. Dr. Murthy says that being whole is not connected with being wealthy. He also states that to heal ourselves and our relationship to others we must listen, learn and love.

I have repeatedly seen that listening to others is critical to having healthy relationships. This also includes listening to ourselves. We can't listen to others or ourselves if we are caught up in the divisiveness and blaming others. This stress will keep us from being confident and being connected to others and from being happy. So, we must choose to let go of stress and blaming others and then choose to listen to others and actually be with others and not feel lonely.

DOES BEING EMPATHIC MEAN NOT TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR OTHERS

I have come to believe that listening to others without our own personal reaction to what we are hearing is kind to those people as we are actually being with them when we don't react. If we react we are not listening and that is like not being with them. They may react if these people need to blame others for what they have done then reacting allows them to blame us. So, if empathy is being connected to another person then listening without reacting to what we are hearing is a way to be empathic. 

If listening without reacting is a good way to relate to others how often does this happen?

THE IMPORTANCE OF LISTENING WITHOUT REACTING

"I just listened." That is what a woman told me about her response when she was with someone who had just had a family member die suddenly. This woman was convinced that she had not been helpful and felt inadequate because of her listening and not talking. I asked what the person who had experienced the loss said and my patient said that she thanked her for listening. But my patient was convinced that her friend was just being nice and that her listening to her friend was useless.  A few months later I asked how her friend was doing and my patient told me that her friend was back to living her life and that her friend continued to say that my patient's listening was very helpful. As my patient and I talked about this I was listening to my patient and not reacting to what she was saying and mostly being silent, initially. My patient then said "you know when you listen to me I feel that you care and that you understand what I am experiencing"...so maybe that is what her friend had experienced when my patient listened to her after her family member died.

I am more and more convinced that listening to others without our personal reactions [virtually any reaction is likely to be our personal reaction] is an important way that we are with others and share their life experiences. It is a way of making a connection to another. Now, some people might get upset if you do this as they may be used to people reacting and then the reaction becomes the issue. So, if you don't react then it becomes an opportunity for that person to hear themselves and to take responsibiity for what they are thinking or doing. That is a wonderful gift for others that is not always immediately appreciated.

IT IS SO SAD...THAT WE ARE SO SEPARATED FROM EACH OTHER

Recently I have been having moments of intense sadness that I realized were connected to hearing about conflicts between people that ends up reinforcing them being separate and even feeling against each other. Sad, because it is sad when people feel separated from each other. It does not need to be this way. 

I believe that this separateness is fueled by fear of not having enough as if everything that we need is in limited supply and if others have things we will not have enough. This is not true but if someone believes this then they will be anxious and see others as taking from them. This will inevitably separate these people from others and result in loneliness. 

We can help ourselves by refusing to judge others and listening to others without our own reactions. This will help us to feel and be connected to others and feel less alone. It really willl.

I AM SORRY, I WAS WRONG, I DON'T KNOW, I NEED HELP

The title is a quote from a Louise Penny novel and she entitles it as "the four sayings that lead to wisdom." She includes this in her book Kingdom of the Blind as something that her main character Inspector Gamache learned when he was young. Louise Penny is a Canadian mystery writer who has won a number of awards for her writing and she frequently includes quotes such as the above in her novels.

The simplicity of the quote from Ms. Penny struck me and the importance of what I feel it communicates...taking responsibility for oneself. In my work with my patients it seems clear that taking responsibility for oneself is necessary for a happy and fulfilled life. I have found that to do this we need to be self-aware and allow for self-accceptance and self-appreciation. These qualities seem to help us to be responsible for ourselves. As one 23 year old woman once told me "of course I will take responsibility for that as it is about me and I am the only one who is me." I was thinking "easier said than done" but then as I thought about it I realized that once it is said, it is easier to do as one has the awareness that it up to them and this can lead to responsible action. 

So, how do we take responsibility for ourselves? I believe that it is by listening to others, not reacting to them, and not taking anything personally. This makes it easier to listen to ourselves as we are not distracted by reacting to others and feeling that they are responsible for what we do. Listening without our personal reactions allows us to feel closer to others [and they are more likely to feel understood by us] and also realize that we do not need to react to others but only need to be aware of what we are doing and take responsibility for our actions.

Taking responsibiity for our actions by saying: I am sorry, I was wrong, I don't know, I need help. You might be amazed at what happens if you say these things instead of worrying about what might happen, predicting negative things happening, blaming others for problems in your life and for your feeling miserable.

What do you think?