BEING PRESENT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE AN ART

David Brooks had an opinion piece in the New York Times on January 21, 2014 that he entitled "The Art of Presence." He describes how a victim of trauma have times when they feel overwelming despair and paralyzed by fear.  These victims have experienced what is helpful from other people who interact with them.  One of these victims, Catherine who was riding her bike and hit by a car, wrote a blog post for Sourjourners and lists ways people have been helpful to her: do be there; don't compare,ever; do bring soup; do not say "you'll get over it"; do be a builder; and don't say it is all for the best or try to make sense of what has happened.

Do be there.  Being present with the trauma victims and their families is very important. Catherine comments that she was surprised how many of their not as close friends showed up over and over and that some of their close friends were not present [did not come by].  This may be because a lot people think that people who have been traumatized or have experienced a loss, "need space."  Catherine is clear about this, stating that people who are traumatized or experience loss need people to visit.  Don't compare ever: it is not helpful to act like you knowwhat they are going through because of your own experience.  It is never comforting and frequently feels like you don't understand and are saying to get over it.  Do bring soup: it is still true that bringing food brings comfort.  Catherine tells of a friend bringing a bathmat when she noticed that they did not have one!  Don't say "you'll get over it": Catherine says "there is no such thing as getting over it," when someone is traumatized or experience losses, they never get over it but experience a new normal.  It is important to emphasize that each of us who is traumatized or experience loss has an opportunity to establish a new normal and a new sense of themselves and be better off for this.  Do be a builder: this is someone who keeps coming back and being present for the long haul.  There are people who are good at putting out fires [coming immediately and helping] but the builders are very important.  Don't say it's all for the best or try to make sense out of what has happened: this is distracting for the victims and again feels like these comments are insensitive and it has to be something that the victims understand for themselves and cannot be told what it means.  Actually, none of us can be told what things mean as we all have to discover this for ourselves. 

So, being with people who have been traumatized or have suffered a loss, is very important.  Literally being with them and spending time with them and providing food are all helpful. It is important to realize that being with people is supportive and to resist talking ourselves out of realizing how helpful being with people can be.