GOOD GRIEF!

So, what is good about grief? Grieving is considered something that we need to do if we want to be able to cope with losses.  Bereavement is another word used for grieving.  WebMD defines grief as an emotional reaction to a loss.  Grief type feelings can occur after a number of different types of loss, including a loved one, pet, place you are living, job, object, etc.  Years ago, Elizabeth Kubler Ross identified the stages of grief.  These include: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.  Kubler Ross felt that being able to talk about the feelings associated with grief with others is helpful to learning to cope with the loss. Other researchers, notably George Bonanno's research into grieving found that many people do not go through the stages of grief and seem to cope because they have a "natural resilience."  This seems to be also associated with being in a positive environment [surrounded by people who are supportive and encouraging].  Risilience is considered a process where a number of protective factors can support an individual's ability to cope with loss without experiencing intense feelings of loss

Again, what is good about having feelings of grief?  It is more obvious what might be considered good about having resilience.  Of course, there are plenty of sudies that document the importance of having supportive and encouraging people around you, especially when you are under what could be a stressful situation.  So, maybe the grief feelings serve a similar function.  If so, how can they help us cope with losses so that they are less stressful for us? The movement towards acceptance [Kubler Ross' last stage of grief] would seem to be desirable as acceptance relieves us of having to put brain activity into resisting the acceptance as this resistance would keep us focused on the past and require a lot of brain activity to keep it going.  This focus on the past creates stress for us.

There is evidence that chronic stress is not good for our brains or our bodies.  It occupies a lot of brain activity and seems to keep the brain in a hyperalert or crisis type mode. This can lead to a compromised immune system and increased risk of illnesses.  Our brains are in this mode because of instructions from us as we resist accepting the facts of losses as if accepting them is dangerous. If people around us hesitate to talk about the loss or their feelings, that can be interpreted by us as a sign that the feelings are dangerous.  

One of the good things that can come from our accepting a loss is the recognition that strong feelings are safe.  They can be and often are intense but are not overwelming unless we believe that they are. Experiencing the feelings and sticking with them can teach us that they are safe.  This will then reduce our stress level and help us to then cope with feelings in the future and not have to experience stress. This is good for us and our brains.

Comments

[Abby]

Hey Dr. P- I really think this website is great and full of really helpful and great insight. Question, on the one on grief/bereavement, U say someone grieving and in another article someone who's been traumatiZed etc . Needs people in their life- rather than being left alone. I'm curious what the hell u do when u fall Into the category of literally really having no one - not even your family cares enough to bringing up your grieving / trauma they just act like it isn't there and let's pretend to be happy perfect family like the Brady bunch? The past is the past and you have to move on is what I'm always told.