THE IMPORTANCE OF LISTENING WITHOUT REACTING

"I just listened." That is what a woman told me about her response when she was with someone who had just had a family member die suddenly. This woman was convinced that she had not been helpful and felt inadequate because of her listening and not talking. I asked what the person who had experienced the loss said and my patient said that she thanked her for listening. But my patient was convinced that her friend was just being nice and that her listening to her friend was useless.  A few months later I asked how her friend was doing and my patient told me that her friend was back to living her life and that her friend continued to say that my patient's listening was very helpful. As my patient and I talked about this I was listening to my patient and not reacting to what she was saying and mostly being silent, initially. My patient then said "you know when you listen to me I feel that you care and that you understand what I am experiencing"...so maybe that is what her friend had experienced when my patient listened to her after her family member died.

I am more and more convinced that listening to others without our personal reactions [virtually any reaction is likely to be our personal reaction] is an important way that we are with others and share their life experiences. It is a way of making a connection to another. Now, some people might get upset if you do this as they may be used to people reacting and then the reaction becomes the issue. So, if you don't react then it becomes an opportunity for that person to hear themselves and to take responsibiity for what they are thinking or doing. That is a wonderful gift for others that is not always immediately appreciated.