THE WISDOM OF THE BUTTERFLY CIRCUS FILM

A few years ago as part of a course that focused on spiritual journey's, I watched a short film called "The Butterfly Circus." The film is about encouraging people to believe in themselves and take responsibility for themselves. It is not about enabling people by acting like they can't do things themselves. The circus performers are connected by all having struggled to believe that they could manage and have meaning in their lives. The circus leader was able to see that these people can manage and then he encouraged them to discover this for themselves.  

The hero of the film was born without limbs. He was part of a side show at an amusement park when the circus leader met him.  The circus leader said "you are magnificent".  The limbless man then spit on him.  The next thing the circus leader said to the limbless man was "of course you have an advantage." The third and last thing we hear the circus leader telling the limbless man is "I think you can manage."  This was when the limbless man was asking for help crossing an area next to water that was uneven. He wanted to be carried over it. The next second the limbless man fell into the water.  After a few seconds, when other members of the circus were getting ready to pull him out, he surfaced with a smile as he had discovered that he could swim. From this point he was able to choose to discover what other things he could do that seemed impossible before.  The transformation was amazing...like the transformation of the caterpillar into the butterfly.

The transformation of caterpillars into butterflies involves caterpillars forming highly organized groups of cells called "imaginal discs" that hold the genetic information that then forms the butterfly. During the chrysalis or cocoon stage, the caterpillar seems to digest itself and the digested part becomes the food for the imaginal discs to form the butterfly. Totally amazing!

Well, I believe that all of us [homo sapiens, sapiens] also experience amazing transformations when we learn to believe in ourselves and take responsibility for our lives and the choices that we make. That is why it is so important that we do not make the mistake of caring for others by taking over for them and reinforcing their fears that they can not manage.  It is often [maybe always] hard to encourage and support but not take over...it can look like someone must be carried to safely make it through a difficult time in their lives, but we must not give in to their fears but instead be strong enough to see their abilities and be encouraging as they struggle to be who they were meant to be. 

What do you think?

IS IT TIME TO STOP BEING NICE?

Recently a number of my patients wondered if they were being too nice to some of their friends or family members. So what is too nice?  For that matter, what is nice? In exploring this further, it seems that being too nice is often connected to doing things for others that is really their responsibility to do. There are usually easy explanations for why the other person needs someone to do things for them. Life has been hard for them or they can't seem to be able to make healthy changes in their lives or they were nice to you in the past or they expect it and it is very hard to not do it for them.  They would get very upset if you stopped.  So the solution seems to be to keep doing things for them until they decide to do it for themselves.  Surely they will see that it is not fair for you to have to do these things for them over and over.  Of course they don't ever seem to see this unfairness.  Why is this?

As I have previously blogged, once a pattern of behavior is established, the brain works to maintain it unless we give our brains very clear messages that we wish to change it.  So when we keep doing for others it makes them dependent on us to keep it up.  This dependence might be more understandable when you realize that doing for others is like telling those others that you don't feel that they can manage for themselves. So then they don't manage.  Now it may not seem as simple as that and yet I think it is.  If we would like others to take responsibility for themselves and manage their lives then we should stop telling them they can't manage by managing for them.  Easier said then done but when we choose to stop managing for other people we will feel a weight lifted from us and have a more satisfying and positive relationship with that person [after they react to you not managing for them].  Give it a try.