IS IT TIME TO STOP BEING NICE?

Recently a number of my patients wondered if they were being too nice to some of their friends or family members. So what is too nice?  For that matter, what is nice? In exploring this further, it seems that being too nice is often connected to doing things for others that is really their responsibility to do. There are usually easy explanations for why the other person needs someone to do things for them. Life has been hard for them or they can't seem to be able to make healthy changes in their lives or they were nice to you in the past or they expect it and it is very hard to not do it for them.  They would get very upset if you stopped.  So the solution seems to be to keep doing things for them until they decide to do it for themselves.  Surely they will see that it is not fair for you to have to do these things for them over and over.  Of course they don't ever seem to see this unfairness.  Why is this?

As I have previously blogged, once a pattern of behavior is established, the brain works to maintain it unless we give our brains very clear messages that we wish to change it.  So when we keep doing for others it makes them dependent on us to keep it up.  This dependence might be more understandable when you realize that doing for others is like telling those others that you don't feel that they can manage for themselves. So then they don't manage.  Now it may not seem as simple as that and yet I think it is.  If we would like others to take responsibility for themselves and manage their lives then we should stop telling them they can't manage by managing for them.  Easier said then done but when we choose to stop managing for other people we will feel a weight lifted from us and have a more satisfying and positive relationship with that person [after they react to you not managing for them].  Give it a try.