WHAT IS SO GOOD ABOUT LISTENING TO OTHERS WITHOUT OUR PERSONAL REACTIONS INTERFERING?

People who have come to me for help have taught me the importance of actually listening to others without our reacting to what we are hearing. This can be very difficult to do unless we actually tell ourselves that this is what we want to do. It is easy to react [and self righteously respond] in order to inform or educate or castigate the other person. The outcome is to disrupt the relationship to the other person and make it easier for the other person to put the responsibility for their actions onto you. If we listen to someone, without reacting, then we are actually with that person, sharing their life experiences and acting like their lives really matter. Another reason that it is hard to listen without reacting is that we can convince ourselves that our reacting is necessary and the right thing. This is either because we are protecting ourselves from our fears by taking on responsibility for others or feeling like we are doing the right thing by confronting that person as if that actually helps change the other person's view or outlook. An example is when people feel that they must react and confront people who are saying or doing bad things as this is required of us. Unfortunately, even with good intentions based on trying to right wrongs that are being promoted or actually happening, when we react we are allowing the other person to avoid taking responsibility for themselves. So what can we do? I believe that we can still listen without reacting and also respond to what we are hearing in a helpful manner. If we are able to not react then our brains will tell us what we need to do, if we are able to listen to ourselves as well, without reacting. We then are responding and not reacting and by responding we are able to encourage and support these people so that they are more likely to take responsibility for themselves and make changes that are good for them and likely for the universe as well.`

For us to realize how important listening without reacting is no matter what we are hearing does require that we give it a chance and if we start reacting then we should walk away from the interaction and return after we are again able to listen without reacting. It is also important that frequently we react to things in self defense as past stresses have programmed our brains to instantly react. This happens frequently in people who have had traumatic events happen in their lives and are suffering from post traumatic stress disorder [PTSD]. I have helped many people to stop this automatic reacting by helping them understand what is happening, supporting coping skills that reduce the likelihood of them responding to stresses and I have also identified a few medications that reduce the frequency and intensity of reactions to past stresses. This makes it much easier to not react to past stresses and allows them to be more themselves as their stress reactions are temporary and not their typical way of responding. 

What do you think?

"I WAS THERE I REMEMBER IT ALL TO WELL"

"I was there I remember it all too well" is a lyric from a Taylor Swift song "All Too Well" that seems to validate what she experienced in a relationship...does she need to validate herself? I don't believe that anyone needs to validate themselves through some one else. So why do we do this? What do we get from this? Security? But really it is a false sense of security. If we have to reassure ourselves about ourselves by challenging someone else's response then we are allowing that other person to challenge our identity enough to require our response. No one has that power over us unless we give it to them. You can see what can happen as if we give others this power,  we will then be constantly defending ourselves from their statements, lies or rumors about us. We will invite being bullied as we respond to the bully as if what they say warrents a response. It does not...ever. However, it is hard not to respond, but after we do, we can help ourselves move past responding by learning to trust our awareness of ourselves and will be less likely to let ourselves be fooled by someone else's insecurity that they are trying to make be ours. This may be what Taylor Swift is saying in this song.

So what are we supposed to do? Listen to others, while not reacting to them? Ignore them if listening to them is not possible at this time? Say, "is that so," if we feel that we must say something or if you are actually listening without your personal reaction to what you are hearing, then if you need to say anything your brain will provide this for you. Yes to all of those suggestions. If you choose to do these things you will have a deserved increase in self-confidence and a more fulfilled life. Try it and see what happens.

SILENCE IS NOT GOLDEN IF WE ARE IGNORING RACISM, SEXISM AND ECONOMIC INEQUALITY.

There was a recent opinion piece in the New York Times regarding the problem of being silent in the face of people being racist, sexist, homophobic, etc. In his TED talk from July, 2014, Clint Smith talks about the danger of silence. He says that we spend so much time on what people are saying we overlook what they are not saying and by doing so, join them in not using our voices to tell the truth about what we see happening. We are thus complicit in their silence.

So, when is silence good and how can we compassionately use our voices to tell the truth? I have blogged about listening without our personal reactions as a way of being emathically connected to those who we are listening to. Listening without our personal reactions is also called "silent listening." One advantage of not reacting to what is being said is that the person speaking is more likely to hear themselves and may be more likely to choose to take responsibility for what they are saying. If we react to those we are listening to, we give them an opportunity to focus on our reaction and not what they are saying. So, does this mean that we should listen to people making racist, sexist and homophobic statements and not react? Yes, because of what I stated above. However, if we are listening without our own reactions and we need to say something, our brains will tell us what to say...really! And importantly, we will say it calmly and with compassion. This can be a powerful way to confront statements that we feel are wrong. However, what about people who are silent about these statements or ideas/beliefs? Well, if they hear you say something about what you believe is true, this can help them to comment on these as well [voice what they believe is true]. I believe that listening without reacting is helpful no matter the circumstances unless the person talking is being verbally abusive or threatening. Then I would walk away or back away. If we can establish and maintain an empathic connection to someone, this can help them to overcome their fears and lonliness. Then they might not have to cope with their fears and lonliness by being racist, etc.

What do you think?