GRIEF...SHRINE OR NO SHRINE?

I've had several requests to write another blog about grief.  A number of my patients have lost pets, mostly dogs.  Some have had to make the decision to euthanize their pets.  We have had discussions about how to prepare for the death of a pet.  This includes whether to create a shrine to their pet.  The need for a shrine seems related to worries that we will not be able to remember those that we have lost.  This worry starts before our loved ones die and we seem to worry more the more things we accumulate to remind us of the loved ones, the more worried we become.  So, why does this happen?  It might be that the focus on trying to remember makes it harder to remember.  When we are worried our brains automatically make this a priority.  When this happens it is harder for us to access stored information and this is where we access our memories, including those of our loved ones. Therefore, if we start worrying about our loved ones we can have a difficult time remembering them because of our worrying about them, including worrying about being able to remember them.

You can then imagine what can and often does happen.  Our worries lead us to signal our brains that we are stressed and our brains respond to this stress and then we can't access memories about our loved ones so this intensifies our worries and it is even harder to access memories, etc.  This is one reason that some people decide to make shrines to their loved ones as a way of holding on to memories.  These may help cue some memories and yet this cueing is not needed if we are calm and trust our brains to supply the memories, and they will.  If we trust our brains we might also be able to discover that our loved ones are still with us.  Worries and shrines get in the way of this.  Of course, keeping some photos and a few items can be comforting unless you do this to try to reduce worrying. This is not comforting.  

So, try not worrying and see what happens.  Of course, it is ok to let yourself have feelings and then move on to what is next.  However, it is not ok to use feelings as a way of worrying becauses you know what can happen then.

GRIEF REVISITED

I have continued to wonder about why grief is often so crippling and difficult to resolve. It seems that many people get stuck focused on past memories of the loved one who has died.  I keep wondering why the memories have to be so painful.  As I thought about this I remembered that I have seen a lot of people who seem stuck in the past but have actually seemed to bring the past up to the present.  I then wondered if people who are experiencing grief can bring their memories of their loved one into the present and it is like having them with them.  

So, how does someone bring past memories into the present time? Recently, one of my patients told me how she looks through photo albums of loved ones who have died and feels like they are with her now as she experiences these memories like they are happening now.  This is very soothing for her. Maybe whenever we have memories we actually are experiencing them in the present. If we become aware that our memories of loved ones are in the present, can this allow us to trust that we can continue to feel our connection to them? What do you think?