GRIEF...SHRINE OR NO SHRINE?

I've had several requests to write another blog about grief.  A number of my patients have lost pets, mostly dogs.  Some have had to make the decision to euthanize their pets.  We have had discussions about how to prepare for the death of a pet.  This includes whether to create a shrine to their pet.  The need for a shrine seems related to worries that we will not be able to remember those that we have lost.  This worry starts before our loved ones die and we seem to worry more the more things we accumulate to remind us of the loved ones, the more worried we become.  So, why does this happen?  It might be that the focus on trying to remember makes it harder to remember.  When we are worried our brains automatically make this a priority.  When this happens it is harder for us to access stored information and this is where we access our memories, including those of our loved ones. Therefore, if we start worrying about our loved ones we can have a difficult time remembering them because of our worrying about them, including worrying about being able to remember them.

You can then imagine what can and often does happen.  Our worries lead us to signal our brains that we are stressed and our brains respond to this stress and then we can't access memories about our loved ones so this intensifies our worries and it is even harder to access memories, etc.  This is one reason that some people decide to make shrines to their loved ones as a way of holding on to memories.  These may help cue some memories and yet this cueing is not needed if we are calm and trust our brains to supply the memories, and they will.  If we trust our brains we might also be able to discover that our loved ones are still with us.  Worries and shrines get in the way of this.  Of course, keeping some photos and a few items can be comforting unless you do this to try to reduce worrying. This is not comforting.  

So, try not worrying and see what happens.  Of course, it is ok to let yourself have feelings and then move on to what is next.  However, it is not ok to use feelings as a way of worrying becauses you know what can happen then.

CONSUMING FEAR OR CONSUMED BY FEAR?

After the terrorist attacks in Paris, I heard a priest give a sermon where he said that we are being consumed by fear, that we are like vultures, and the fear is like carrion. This sounds like we are consuming fear and can't get enough of it.

My patients have shown me that their fear makes them like the carrion and they are being being consumed by the vulture of fear.  If it seems that we cannot get enough of fear, it may be that is because we feel compelled to expose ourselves to stressful events over and over.  An example might be the TV news that seems focused on reportiing stressful events over and over. Maybe we keep exposing ourselves to stress in the hope that it will change and be ok and no longer a stress. Some of my patients saw the planes hit the twin towers thousands of times.  I saw it twice and I was upset with myself for choosing to see it a second time, as that was not necessary and only increased my stress level.  It also seems that stress is related to worries and that worries are almost reassuring in that if you worry a lot you will always know what is going to happen...you will be worrying.  

So, why is it so hard to stop worrying?  As I've mentioned, being able to know what was going to happen each day may be reassuring enough to keep us worrying.  I also wonder if our brains recall past stressful events and bring up a memory of this event as a way of asking us if we are still stressed by this but we think our brains are making statements, telling us to be stressed and worried.  So why don't our brains tell us they are asking questions?  This might have to do with the fact that it is our brain and we are supposed to be in charge and make the decisions that then tell our brains what to do.  This may not sound like the way your brain works, or mine.  Yet this is important as it reinforces the importance of the choices that we make and that it really is up to us.  

So if it is really up to us why does it seem like it isn't?  What do you think?