"INSIDE OUT" GETS IT RIGHT!

I recently saw the movie "Inside Out" with my wife and two of our friends.  The mother of a 9 year old that I treat had recommended that I see the movie.  

The movie is about the feelings that a 11 year old girl named Riley has as she leaves behind her home in Minnesota and moves to San Francisco.  Her feelings are depicted by characters identified as sadness; anger; joy; fear; and disgust. Joy takes charge and attempts to keep Riley feeling happy.  Joy feels that she must contain and limit sadness so sadness doesn't infect the other feelings with sadness. Over the course of the movie it becomes clear to Joy that Riley needs her sad feelings to help her to cope with the move from Minnesota to San Francisco.  When she is able to feel her sadness, Riley is able to share her feelings with her parents about missing Minnesota.  This allows Riley to let go of her missing Minnesota and start to have feelings about San Francisco.  Dacher Keltner and Paul Ekman were hired as consultants for the movie and their piece on the op-ed page of the New York Times on July 5, 2015 indicated that they were disappointed that sadness was portrayed as limited and contained.  However, I think that the movie does a good job portraying what happens when we hold our feelings in and often then we are stuck not being able to let go of our worries and not able to move on.  When we hold our feelings in, our brains interpret this as a problem and then focus on trying to solve this problem.  We are therefore stuck and not able to let go of the worries.

Sadness is important as are all our emotions are.  To deny them or hold them in and not show them requires a lot of work from our brain and this occupies our brain and blocks us from experiencing our feelings and moving on with our life.  

It is also important to note that happiness was not one of the emotions that Riley was experiencing.  So, may be it is possible to feel sadness or any other emotion and still be happy.  What do you think?

REVISITING GRIEF

I have previously blogged about grief and wondered if our ability to reach a level of acceptance about our loss is important as the acceptance will keep us from continuing to experience the absence of our loved one.  This continued feeling of loss can occupy our brains and keep us stuck in the past.  So, being able to accept the loss may be important but how is that accomplished?

It seems that getting beyond (past?) the sense of loss may allow for acceptance. If we can shift our focus from our feelings of loss and even abandonment, we will be able to remember our loved ones and feel their presence attached to these memories.  If we remain stressed our brains will focus on trying to reduce the stress and this will block our access to memories and a sense of the presence of our loved one.  

Since we are our experiences and our relationships to others, just being ourselves will help us to know that our loved ones are still with us.  Now, being ourselves requires that we trust our memories and allow them to be alive in the present moment.  This means not trying to force memories but trusting that they are there.

This sounds kind of spooky, doesn't it? Still, you might give it a try.

LOSS...WHY THOSE INTENSE EMOTIONS ARE IMPORTANT

My family and I just experienced the loss of our dog, Lexi.  About 11 years ago we agreed to bring her into our lives as she was a puppy who was chewing up our oldest daughter's furniture after she had rescued Lexi from the shelter.  Lexi became a very important part of our family, especially for my wife and for me. Lexi shared our lives in so many ways and this was never so apparent than when she was no longer with us.  Lexi developed difficulty swallowing and died a week later with an untreatable cancer.

My wife and I shared many tears for the first several days and then we had moments every day where the tears returned.  We also shared memories of Lexi with each other and with friends.  We were open with our friends about our sadness and grief.  After several days, we tried to limit the amount of time we let ourselves experience intense feelings of grief, to 15-20 minutes a day [and we decide when that time is each day].  I have found that this technique is helpful in limiting the amount of time we feel at the mercy of our emotions as we give ourselves control by deciding when and how long we will be actively experiencing these emotions. 

Letting ourselves experience intense emotions and having control over when we experience them helps us to learn that intense feelings are ok and actually enrich our lives.  It is important for us to educate our brains that intensity is safe when it comes to emotions and other experiences in our lives.  Since most of us have experienced events that were traumatic and overwelming, it is helpful to realize that there are safe types of intensity that are not overwelming and that are important for us to experience and value in our lives.