SHAME VS EMPATHY

Empathy is good and shame is bad.  So why is this a big deal?  It may be because shame is so destructive and empathy is so helpful. What makes shame so destructive? If you have ever experienced shame [and it is possible that everyone has experienced shame] then you know how bad it feels.  Shame makes people feel alone and separated from others.  We have our unique ways of responding when we feel shame and yet certain patterns of response have been identified by Linda Hartling,Ph.D. Director of Human Dignity and Humiliation Studies, that she calls "strategies of disconnection" [from the pain associated with feeling shame] that include: 1. moving away from people by disappearing into ourselves; 2. moving toward others by people pleasing behaviors; and 3. moving against others by anger and fighting back.

What causes shame?  Some people connect shame with traumatic experiences.  So when we feel overwhelmed we feel shame?  Being overwhelmed does seem to separate us from others and likely from ourselves.  This makes being empathic or responding to empathy from others difficult, if not impossible.  What can we do?  Brene' Brown in a TED Talk about shame indicated the importance of being able to identify things that will cause each of us to feel shame.  These triggers, when we are aware of them, can be avoided at times and our awareness can allow us to cut short the shame response before it becomes powerful.  Our awareness can allow us to stop ourselves from responding in our usual and negative way, substituting a self-affirming response.  Sounds good but how do we break a pattern that often has been established over years? 

Dean Smith [long time coach of the North Carolina Chapel Hill basketball] is quoted as saying that if you make a mistake you should "recognize it, admit it, learn from it and forget it." Maybe this could help us deal with feelings of shame.  It also may be related to recommendations for how people who have been traumatized can help themselves [with the support of a therapist] by choosing to think about the past trauma and tell themselves that they don't need to be stressed by the event anymore and why, then move on and let it go [forget it?]. It also helps if we are able to calm ourselves and clear our minds and then choose to think about past traumas.  So, as I have blogged about previously, to help people recover from traumatic experiences research indicates that it is good to combine mindfulness practices [calming ourselves and clearing our  minds]; Trauma Focused Cognitive Behavioral Therapy [like what I described above] and interpersonal therapy [working with someone that you trust so you are willing to risk trying out new skills to let go of worries about past stresses].

So, what about empathy?  According to Brene' Brown, shame can't survive empathy. So, why is that?  Well, empathy connects people and shame disconnects people.  To respond empathically we need to listen to others nonjudgementally and communicate our understanding of what others are feeling. This invites responses from others and creates a sense of connection and support.  To be empathic we need to be present with others and not be reactive or judgemental.  This seems like a good way to relate to others all the time.