DOES BEING EMPATHIC MEAN NOT TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR OTHERS

I have come to believe that listening to others without our own personal reaction to what we are hearing is kind to those people as we are actually being with them when we don't react. If we react we are not listening and that is like not being with them. They may react if these people need to blame others for what they have done then reacting allows them to blame us. So, if empathy is being connected to another person then listening without reacting to what we are hearing is a way to be empathic. 

If listening without reacting is a good way to relate to others how often does this happen?

IS FAITH REALLY "SEEING WHAT HAPPENS"?

Chrisitian religions speak about faith and living in faith. That seems like you are supposed to not worry about the future and instead be confident and then see what happens in our lives. So, instead of stressing ourselves by worrying and by predicting the future, we are invited to be open to what happens and what is possibile every day.

It is interesting that other religions such as Buddhism and Hinduism seem to say similar things. Also, research supports that choosing to see what happens and not allowing ourselves to worry is one of the best ways to lower our stress level. What does it mean that  this way of lowering stress is recognized by so many different religions and different types of therapies? This would seem to support the validity of this coping strategy. 

So, if choosing not to worry is recognized as very effective, how come so many of us are still worrying every day. Many people who come to me for help tell me that they feel they must be prepared, yet they can't tell me what they need to be prepared for except anticipating bad things happening. This being prepared is very frequently associated with being worried a lot. This being prepared and worrying seems to be connected to being afraid about the future and therefore this preparation and worrying is can be their brain's way of knowing what will happen in their future...they will worry.

Kind of sad to worry as a way of knowing what our future will hold, especially when we don't need to worry about that at all and instead we could chose to see what happens. It may be like the saying "let go, let God." [worry about the future]?

What do you think?

WHAT ARE WE PREPARING FOR?

Many of my patients tell me that they have to worry a lot so that they are "prepared." If I am quiet after they tell me that they feel they need to be prepared, often they will say that they don't know what they are preparing for. However, they still feel that they need to prepare in case something bad happens. So, why do we feel a need to be prepared? Is it so that we will know what to do if something bad happens? What does feeling stessed and anxious and worried prepare us to do? Doesn't it prepare us to continue to be stressed and anxious and worried? What good is that? Well, you will know what is going to happen [you will be stressed, anxiious and worried] and that can be reassuring as you don't have to face the unknown.

Many of the people who need to be prepared also fear the unknown and can't imagine just seeing what happens every day [every moment?]. They anticpate bad things happening frequently and if they worry about this they feel that they will not be surprised and will be more prepared. Are they more prepared? Research suggests that they are not preparing to manage stress but are actually creating stress by their preparation. In his book: Why Zebras Don't Get Ulcers, Robert Sapolsky indicates that when Zebras are stressed it is brief as they are either rapidly killed by a predator or they are not. Apparently, Zebras do not walk around worrying when the next predator attack might come, so their stress is over quickly. Humans however, have the ability to instruct their brains to be on guard in case we are threatened as we recall past threats as if they will reoccur. Thus, we are intermittantly stressed as we anticipate repeat of past stresses [constant stress would be something like a full body second degree burn with constant severe pain]. This activation of our brain's stress reponse mechanism is frequent enough that our brain's immune system can not recover before the next stress activation. This compromises our immune sytem's ability to respond to stress and is one of the reasons that autoimmune disorders are increasing as our compromised immune systems are more likely to attack our own body as if it were a foreign body. 

But if it clearly hurts us, why do we keep worrying? It gets back to the fact that our brains take instructions from us. How can it be that our brains are merely following orders [instructions if that sounds better than orders]. Why would we give our brains instructions that hurt us? Well it might be that at one time in the past those instructions to worry helped to temporarily reduce our fears and anxieties. These worries are not helpful now but we keep telling our brains that we need them as we continue to worry. In fairness, our brain's stress response happens in one nanosecond [a billionth of a second] so we are feeling stressed before we are actually aware that we are stressed. 

So, it is clearly better to not prepare ourselves to control stress by worrying but what alternatives do we have. There are specific cognitive behavioral treatments that can help us to not have to prepare by being stressed utilizing a technique called EMDR. This stands for Eye Movement, Desensitization and Reprocessing allows you to process past traumas while your brain is occupied by eye movements so that you can avoid or reduce stress being connected to the memory. There are also medications that can separate stress from past memories. These include: propranolol, low dose lithium, ketamine and a number of hallucinogens that have yet to receive FDA approval. There are also some supplements that might turn out to be helpful but it is to soon to tell.

LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR

The title is a well known phrase and yet I believe that it contains an important message to all of us. The message has to do with the definition of neighbor. I am reminded of Fred Rogers [Mr. Rogers' Neighborhood] who clearly promoted the belief that we are all neighbors. If this is true then we are meant to love [be kind to] everyone so no one is left out. That doesn't seem reasonable, does it. Why does that matter? Does it matter? What are the consequences if we do not love all our neighbors?

One significant consequence is that people who you are not accepted and welcomed will feel left out and not included. This can lead to their feeling anger and have a desire to punish those who they feel are leaving them out. I believe that this is one reason we have wars, hatred, us against them thinking and acting. People who feel left out are easier for tyrants and dictators to control as the dictators feed into the feeling of being left out and reinforce people blaming others for leaving them out. This can start a chain reaction where there are different factions that don't trust each other, blame each other for problems, and don't take responsibility for themselves.

What do you think?

THE IMPORTANCE OF LISTENING WITHOUT REACTING

"I just listened." That is what a woman told me about her response when she was with someone who had just had a family member die suddenly. This woman was convinced that she had not been helpful and felt inadequate because of her listening and not talking. I asked what the person who had experienced the loss said and my patient said that she thanked her for listening. But my patient was convinced that her friend was just being nice and that her listening to her friend was useless.  A few months later I asked how her friend was doing and my patient told me that her friend was back to living her life and that her friend continued to say that my patient's listening was very helpful. As my patient and I talked about this I was listening to my patient and not reacting to what she was saying and mostly being silent, initially. My patient then said "you know when you listen to me I feel that you care and that you understand what I am experiencing"...so maybe that is what her friend had experienced when my patient listened to her after her family member died.

I am more and more convinced that listening to others without our personal reactions [virtually any reaction is likely to be our personal reaction] is an important way that we are with others and share their life experiences. It is a way of making a connection to another. Now, some people might get upset if you do this as they may be used to people reacting and then the reaction becomes the issue. So, if you don't react then it becomes an opportunity for that person to hear themselves and to take responsibiity for what they are thinking or doing. That is a wonderful gift for others that is not always immediately appreciated.