WHAT IS SO IMPORTANT ABOUT LETTING GO?

Recently I heard a poem entitled "let go." This poem by an unknown author repeatedly talks about why it is important to let go. What is it that we are supposed to be letting go? The poem states that it is not about stopping caring but the recognition that we can't do it for others. Also an awareness that we can't control others. Letting go is also not about caring for, but it is caring about. It is not about enabling others to not take responsibility for themselves, but it is about encouraging and supporting others to be responsible for themselves. Finally, letting go is not to judge or criticize others but for us to choose to start becoming who we were meant to be. Criticizing and judging others focuses us away from learning who we are meant to be. Freed from the burdon of critically focusing on others we have an opportunity to see ourselves and others more clearly. 

So, why is letting go so important? I believe it is because we are letting go of a need to control other people or have other people respond to us in a certain way. It is realizing that what we worry about is actually not important and it is much better to just see what happens in our lives, including being open to the possibility that when we encourage and support others, instead of judging them, we might even see them as human, just like we are.

What do you think?

TMI AND TMW [TOO MUCH INFORMATION AND TOO MANY WORDS]

It took me awhile to learn what TMI meant even though I work with a lot of people who seem to be burdened by knowing too much about others. I have come to see that their feeling burdened is related to their feeling and acting responsible for others. This "responsibility" is a burden because even though people seem to like others to take responsibilty for them it is actually not possible to do this. If you take responsibility for others you are then at the mercy of what they do and how they act toward you. Those people depend on you being in charge of them but they are also ambivalent about this as  we all know at some level that we must be responsible for our selves. We then resent anyone who takes responsibility for us. Then when you try to stop being responsible for others, they will frequently get very upset as they are not used to being responsible for themselves.

So what about TMW [something that I made up]. This represents my awareness that people who know too much about others are also prone to talking too much about the people they feel responsible for. It is a way of dealing with feeling responsible as the more words spoken the more indirect the communication is and it allows people to continue to not take responsibility for themselves. It is like giving them an out so they can keep blaming others for things that they are responsible for. I have encouraged people who come to me to speak to others directly and calmly and with few words. Even saying "yes" or "no." I also strongly encourage people to listen to others without their personal reactions as this reduces the liklihood that you will know too much [TMI] and use too many words [TMW]. 

Well, what is the big deal about TMI and TMW? Well, we need each other and it is hard to have an actual relationship with someone if they are not being responsible for themselves and knowing too much [TMI] and using a lot of words [TMW] are indications that this is going on.

The universe needs all of us to actually listen to each other and recognize our shared humanity.

I AM SORRY, I WAS WRONG, I DON'T KNOW, I NEED HELP

The title is a quote from a Louise Penny novel and she entitles it as "the four sayings that lead to wisdom." She includes this in her book Kingdom of the Blind as something that her main character Inspector Gamache learned when he was young. Louise Penny is a Canadian mystery writer who has won a number of awards for her writing and she frequently includes quotes such as the above in her novels.

The simplicity of the quote from Ms. Penny struck me and the importance of what I feel it communicates...taking responsibility for oneself. In my work with my patients it seems clear that taking responsibility for oneself is necessary for a happy and fulfilled life. I have found that to do this we need to be self-aware and allow for self-accceptance and self-appreciation. These qualities seem to help us to be responsible for ourselves. As one 23 year old woman once told me "of course I will take responsibility for that as it is about me and I am the only one who is me." I was thinking "easier said than done" but then as I thought about it I realized that once it is said, it is easier to do as one has the awareness that it up to them and this can lead to responsible action. 

So, how do we take responsibility for ourselves? I believe that it is by listening to others, not reacting to them, and not taking anything personally. This makes it easier to listen to ourselves as we are not distracted by reacting to others and feeling that they are responsible for what we do. Listening without our personal reactions allows us to feel closer to others [and they are more likely to feel understood by us] and also realize that we do not need to react to others but only need to be aware of what we are doing and take responsibility for our actions.

Taking responsibiity for our actions by saying: I am sorry, I was wrong, I don't know, I need help. You might be amazed at what happens if you say these things instead of worrying about what might happen, predicting negative things happening, blaming others for problems in your life and for your feeling miserable.

What do you think?