PARENTING MADE EASY?

I have previously blogged about how the two year old child of a mother who sees me started to ask "where are we?" and this question seemed related to when his mother was starting to cope with a percieved threat by removing her awareness from the situation as if she were not there.  This coping mechanism is called "dissociation."  Her son was very sensitive to this happening and his question would then bring his mother back to the present and to being aware of her son and others who were there.  Young children seem especially good at being present and don't seem to get stuck in the past or future.  

Since children seem to be sensitive to whether or not their parents are with them in the present, it might mean that they can help us to be present with them and this will help us to be present more of the time in other parts of our lives. So, what is this "presence?"  Eckart Tolle suggests tha it is an alert, attentiveness to what is happening now.  He contrasts this with interactions when we are telling our children what to do or not to do.  I know that at times in the past, that dominated my interactions with my children. It is necessary some of the time but I also recognize now that I would often tell my children to do something that they were able to handle for themselves without my reminding them.  Being present with our children which supports them making decisions for themselves seems important as we strive as parents to help our children to gain self-confidence so that they will make decisions for themselves and take on the task of becoming independent, responsible people.  

So it seems that if we allow our children to help us to be present with them, they will be more likely to be happy, independent adults and we will become much better at being with people and enjoying them without having to feel responsible for them...eg having to tell them what to do.  Now, does any of this make any sense?  I am hoping that it does and I am reminded that every time someone who comes to see me has asked that question, the answer has always been yes, it does make sense.

LISTENING, REALLY LISTENING...WHY IS THIS SO IMPORTANT?

Over and over recently I have seen how listening can reduce stress in our lives and help us to be more confident.  So, how can listening help reduce stress and improve our confidence?  My initial awareness of the significance of listening came when some of my patients talked about trying to help their friends deal with grief.  My patients felt bad that all they could do was listen to their friends. When we discussed their friends response to being listened to, it seemed to be positive. Another patient indicated that when she responded emotionally to her friend who was experiencing grief and said that she knew what her friend was experiencing, her friend became angry.  We then wondered if listening was really being empathic and saying how you feel or that you understand, is not empathic but really being sympathetic.  So sympathy seems to be more about the person who is trying to console the other and actually may separate themselves from the one they are trying to console.

Maybe listening is really like meditation, like being present with ourselves and the person we are listening to. if listening is a way to be empathic then does that mean that being empathic is like being present with someone [and with ourselves]?

Another benefit associated with listening without our own agenda is that when we do this our brains seem to be working optimally as we realize that we remember everything that we are hearing and then we are able to respond without worrying or feelling stressed.  

So, does that mean that listening to others and ourselves is like being present with others [and ourselves] and is a very good way to us our brains?