HOME IS...WHERE THE KITCHEN IS?

Recently I was speaking with Curtis Duffy about his career as a chef.  We talked about his realizing that even as a child he felt most at home in the kitchen.  He described his increasing awareness of how important this feeling of at home was. He realized that he could trust that this feeling would be there if he was in his kitchen. I then read an interview about Curtis and discovered that he began his interest (passion?) for cooking in home economics class in the 6th grade.  His 6th grade Home Economics teacher is one of those special people who change people's lives and this was true for Curtis.  With the support and encouragement of people like his Home Economics teacher Curtis has pursued his dream and followed his heart into the kitchen.  He told me that it is important that his work in the kitchen fosters an experience of community that brings together all the local people who supply him food,  his servers and cooks and all the people who share his table with him. Curtis has followed his heart and opened his restaurant "Grace" in 2013 as an expression of his love of cooking and of community.  

So, a kitchen can be home as well as a place where love exists. It can also be a place for a community. Just check out Grace when you are in Chicago.  I wonder if any place can become a home if we open our hearts and share our love with others and then we become part of a community.  Isn't this community experience what we are about as humans? 

GRIEF REVISITED

I have continued to wonder about why grief is often so crippling and difficult to resolve. It seems that many people get stuck focused on past memories of the loved one who has died.  I keep wondering why the memories have to be so painful.  As I thought about this I remembered that I have seen a lot of people who seem stuck in the past but have actually seemed to bring the past up to the present.  I then wondered if people who are experiencing grief can bring their memories of their loved one into the present and it is like having them with them.  

So, how does someone bring past memories into the present time? Recently, one of my patients told me how she looks through photo albums of loved ones who have died and feels like they are with her now as she experiences these memories like they are happening now.  This is very soothing for her. Maybe whenever we have memories we actually are experiencing them in the present. If we become aware that our memories of loved ones are in the present, can this allow us to trust that we can continue to feel our connection to them? What do you think?  

REVISITING GRIEF

I have previously blogged about grief and wondered if our ability to reach a level of acceptance about our loss is important as the acceptance will keep us from continuing to experience the absence of our loved one.  This continued feeling of loss can occupy our brains and keep us stuck in the past.  So, being able to accept the loss may be important but how is that accomplished?

It seems that getting beyond (past?) the sense of loss may allow for acceptance. If we can shift our focus from our feelings of loss and even abandonment, we will be able to remember our loved ones and feel their presence attached to these memories.  If we remain stressed our brains will focus on trying to reduce the stress and this will block our access to memories and a sense of the presence of our loved one.  

Since we are our experiences and our relationships to others, just being ourselves will help us to know that our loved ones are still with us.  Now, being ourselves requires that we trust our memories and allow them to be alive in the present moment.  This means not trying to force memories but trusting that they are there.

This sounds kind of spooky, doesn't it? Still, you might give it a try.

FACEBOOK AND SOCIAL MEDIA SITES...FOSTERING OR HURTING OUR RELATIONSHIPS?

To be liked or unliked, that is the question.  Please forgive my paraphrasing a line from Shakespeare's Hamlet as I am refering to choices that exist on Facebook.  There is more attention being given to the possible impact of Facebook and other similar social apps on human relationships.  Facebook has been criticized for seeking "likes" at the expense of anything resembling self-reflection and shared meaningful experiences in relationships.  Also, there is an increasing concern that people relying more on social network responses (I hesitate to call them conversations or open and heartfelt communications) are not experiencing as many actual interactions with other humans. Concern about this has frequently been expressed regarding children and the amount of time they spend on social network sites.  

The American Academy of Child and Addolescent Psychiatry (AACAP) is also concerned and they developed recommendations for parents that is contained in the number 100, "Facts for Families," entitled: "Children and Social Networking." This was last updated September, 2011.  AACAP states that more than 60% of 13-17 year olds have at least one profile on a social networking site with many of these adolescents spending more than two hours each day on these sites. They describe the potential benefits for adolescents as keeping in touch with their friends, making new relationships with peers who share similar interests, sharing creative and self-expressive content with others, and gaining confidence expressing what is important to them.  Potential risks include bullying or being bullied (I have blogged about how serious this is with potential deadly outcomes), revealing too much personal information, being vulnerable to predatory adults, sharing photos that are inappropriate, being exposed to a lot of advertising including pornographic sites, risk of identity theft, and taking time away from family, friends and physical activity. The AACAP strongly recommends that parents monitor their children's social network activities with rules about what can be shared, no bullying, and a time limit per day.  I mention all of this for those of you who are parents and as a guideline for adults as well.  

So, what's the big deal?  We (humans) are social creatures. A major concern seems to center around the quality of social interactions on the social network sites.  At times it seems that too much personal information is revealed that does not fit the much more superficial type relationships that are the norm on social network sites. At other times it seems that only superficial and/or only positive, idealized information is shared.  If the value of social interactions and relationships centers around fostering increased self-awareness and being encouraged and supported by people who actually know our strengths and weaknesses, then there may be a problem with the quality of relationships that occur on social networking sites.  

CHANGING BEHAVIORS: COMMUNITIES VS LAWS

I have already blogged about changing driving speeds in my former neighborhood in the blog entitled: It Takes A Neighborhood To Change A Speed Limit."  In that blog I recalled an experience getting a speed limit lowered as I was told by the traffic engineer to first get my neighbors to drive slower and then when they document this they will lower the speed limit sign.  I remember him saying "you don't really think that people will drive slower because of the speed limit sign indicating a lower speed?"  Of course, I did.  I then talked to my neighbors about the number of young children living in our neighborhood and they agreed to drive more slowly and they did!

An opinion article in the August 15, 2014 New York Times by Tom Vanderbilt was entitled "A Psychological Speed Limit," focused on how to change driving habits of people in New York City to reduce [eliminate?] traffic deaths in the city.  Mr. Vanderbilt also reports that just lowering a speed limit does not change the behaviors of drivers.  He then educates his readers about the severe consequences of driving 5 or 7or 10 mph over the speed limit.  A 10 mph increase will increase the liklihood of a pedestrian dying from 45% to 85%.  This underscores the importance of driving more slowly and actually supports the idea that an "appropriate" speed is actually even less than 25 mph.  Mr. Vanderbilt also notes that travel time is only increased a small amount by driving slower [which we maybe aught to change to driving more appropriately or considerately or wisely or ?]. Mr. Vanderbilt then reviews ways to get people to change their driving habits. These include lower speeds on speed limit signs, speed bumps and the speed camera. The latter two are effective with the camera being the most effective.  However, the stated goal of "Vision Zero" representing zero deaths by motor vehicle in NYC is not achievable by any of these methods.  It may be achievable by the method I unwittingly employed in my former neighborhood.  

So, how would that work.  Well, we only need to change the reward.  People in my neighborhood chose to drive more slowly to get the reward of helping to make our neighborhood safe for children.  Even drivers without children chose to do this.  Studies have shown that people drive more slowly if there are fewer lanes of traffic or trees lining the street or bike paths.  If there is a median divider, or if the street is one way people will drive faster.  So, people are capable of adjusting their speed based on what seems appropriate or the right thing or ?.  Now we need to help people see that it is appropriate, etc. to drive more slowly even on multilane, one way streets.  People will change their behaviors based on what other people do as long as they are observing what others do and not having othrs tell them what to do. Therefore, one strategy in an effort to achieve "Vision Zero" would be to educate people about why a slower speed is appropriate and the right thing to do and encourage them to chose [they must chose for themselves] to drive more slowly and see what happens....give it a try.  And then for these people to share their experiences with others...not tell them what to do. The city government in NY might even set up a website for people to submit their experiences so it functions like a place for reviews of the lower speed limit.  We [humans] seem to trust reviews when we don't have the chance to talk directly to people.

I believe that we all want to do the right thing. We also want to belong and have friends and not be alone.  So if more people are driving more slowly and saying that they feel it is the right thing to do...more people are likely to join them.  Just ask my neighbors.