"I WAS THERE I REMEMBER IT ALL TO WELL"

"I was there I remember it all too well" is a lyric from a Taylor Swift song "All Too Well" that seems to validate what she experienced in a relationship...does she need to validate herself? I don't believe that anyone needs to validate themselves through some one else. So why do we do this? What do we get from this? Security? But really it is a false sense of security. If we have to reassure ourselves about ourselves by challenging someone else's response then we are allowing that other person to challenge our identity enough to require our response. No one has that power over us unless we give it to them. You can see what can happen as if we give others this power,  we will then be constantly defending ourselves from their statements, lies or rumors about us. We will invite being bullied as we respond to the bully as if what they say warrents a response. It does not...ever. However, it is hard not to respond, but after we do, we can help ourselves move past responding by learning to trust our awareness of ourselves and will be less likely to let ourselves be fooled by someone else's insecurity that they are trying to make be ours. This may be what Taylor Swift is saying in this song.

So what are we supposed to do? Listen to others, while not reacting to them? Ignore them if listening to them is not possible at this time? Say, "is that so," if we feel that we must say something or if you are actually listening without your personal reaction to what you are hearing, then if you need to say anything your brain will provide this for you. Yes to all of those suggestions. If you choose to do these things you will have a deserved increase in self-confidence and a more fulfilled life. Try it and see what happens.

I AM SORRY, I WAS WRONG, I DON'T KNOW, I NEED HELP

The title is a quote from a Louise Penny novel and she entitles it as "the four sayings that lead to wisdom." She includes this in her book Kingdom of the Blind as something that her main character Inspector Gamache learned when he was young. Louise Penny is a Canadian mystery writer who has won a number of awards for her writing and she frequently includes quotes such as the above in her novels.

The simplicity of the quote from Ms. Penny struck me and the importance of what I feel it communicates...taking responsibility for oneself. In my work with my patients it seems clear that taking responsibility for oneself is necessary for a happy and fulfilled life. I have found that to do this we need to be self-aware and allow for self-accceptance and self-appreciation. These qualities seem to help us to be responsible for ourselves. As one 23 year old woman once told me "of course I will take responsibility for that as it is about me and I am the only one who is me." I was thinking "easier said than done" but then as I thought about it I realized that once it is said, it is easier to do as one has the awareness that it up to them and this can lead to responsible action. 

So, how do we take responsibility for ourselves? I believe that it is by listening to others, not reacting to them, and not taking anything personally. This makes it easier to listen to ourselves as we are not distracted by reacting to others and feeling that they are responsible for what we do. Listening without our personal reactions allows us to feel closer to others [and they are more likely to feel understood by us] and also realize that we do not need to react to others but only need to be aware of what we are doing and take responsibility for our actions.

Taking responsibiity for our actions by saying: I am sorry, I was wrong, I don't know, I need help. You might be amazed at what happens if you say these things instead of worrying about what might happen, predicting negative things happening, blaming others for problems in your life and for your feeling miserable.

What do you think?

FEAR IS WHAT AMERICANS HAVE IN COMMON BUT IS ALSO WHAT DIVIDES US

Many people have described the United States as driven by fear. That inspite of our power and influence in the world we seem to live in fear and instead of this joining all of us as we face our fears, instead our fear ends up separating us and this increases our fears.

So, why are we afraid and why do we separate ourselves into isolated groups and then blame others for our fears. I believe that blaming others guarantees that we will continue to be afraid and feel alone. So what attracts us to being afraid and feeling alone? It must be how we have learned to cope with stress and anxiety. So, something causes us to instantly react to things that we see as stressful and this reaction is based on past stressful events and not on the current events. So, we react based our past reactions but then believe we need to react even though our reactions actually hurt us now. Many people react this way and some of them link up together to try to feel connected to one another but the fears get in the way and their lonliness and stress continues. What I am describing are symptoms of PTSD. Our brains think that we need to react to current stresses to cope with our fears and yet this is not needed now and only keeps us feeling afraid unnecessarily. 

It can help to be open about what you are reacting to and tell your brain that you don't need to react and don't need to be afraid anymore.  If you have someone that you trust and can talk with about your fears then it might be easier to tell yourself that you don't need to be afraid anymore.  What do you think? 

THIS PRESIDENT MAKES US COMFORTABLE WITH OUR PREJUDICES

The statement that "this president makes us comfortable with our prejudices" is attributed to Rosalind Carter, the wife of former president Jimmy Carter and she was not referring to her husband. I feel that it is important because one way that a leader can get support for themselves is by giving us permission to not face up to our prejudices, racism and exploitation of others. Then it is easier to deny our responsibility and blame others, for being unamerican, who do not make it easier for us to be comfortable with our prejudices. We can also feel good about working to make America great again as long as we do not have to recognize that America can't be great until we stop exploiting people and we take responsibility for having exploited them.

What do you think?

PTSD AND DEPRESSION ARE KILLING MIDDLE-AGED WOMEN

Megan Brooks in the Vol. 49, No. 1, January, 2021 edition of Clinical Psychiatry News reported on studies indicating that middle-aged women with PTSD and comorbid depression are nearly four times more likelly to die from early death as are matched peers who do not have PTSD and comorbid depression. More severe symptoms led to greater risk of early death and fewer symptoms less risk. This highlights the critical importance of identifying and treating psychiatric illnesses in general health practices according to Dr. Roberts who was an author of a study published online Dec 4 in JAMA Network Open (doi: 10.1001/jamanetworkopen.2020.27935). These researchers studied more than 51,000 mostly white women for 9 years from 2008-2017. They had a mean age of 53.3 years in 2008 at the start of the study. Women in this study who had high levels of PTSD [six or seven symptoms] were almost 4 times as likely to die during the follow-up period than their peers without PTSD symptoms. Even women with moderate PTSD [four of five symptoms] or with subclinical PTSD and depression were at increased risk for early death. The deaths were from all major causes of death in middle-aged women.

The authors conclude that these findings provide additional evidence that mental health is fundamental to physical health and more specifically how important it is to identify and treat middle-aged women with PTSD and depression.